9/13/10

My dreams haunt me. They are filled with unresolved emotions I desperately tried leaving in Seattle before coming to Japan. Without the luxury of internet, a phone and the constant connection to supportive people in my life, I am forced to face my feelings alone. During my downtime, my mind continuously tries to solve the mysteries of my emotions. Before going to sleep, there is always a slight panic, not knowing what will happen when I close my eyes and allow myself to fall deep into sleep. I know as soon as I enter REM, my mind will attempt to sort through the feelings I have tried to box up and put into storage somewhere in the crevices of my brain, in hopes it will never be seen again. But my brain won’t allow me to forget. My entire being yells at me understand my issues.

Mornings are the toughest because I awake with the disturbed feelings vaguely resembling post-traumatic stress-disorder. Thankfully, I’ve realized I am not the only one suffering from night terrors. My one and only friend I’ve made here so far has had said the same experience. Whenever I see her, she recaps her dreams from the night before. As she replays every disturbing detail, I can see the deep-rooted pain she has also tried leaving in her hometown, but just like me, our unresolved feelings follow us both to Japan.

This makes me wonder why is it so difficult to start over? Before leaving Seattle, with a vulnerable honesty, I addressed those in my life I care deeply for.  My intention was to close the chapters of my life that needed closing and seek comfort in knowing I didn’t run away from it all. But maybe I did run from my problems.

I am a Pisces. We are known for swimming away from hurt we feel. We are overly sensitive individuals that are in constant battle not to lose ourselves in relationships with others. I look back on my life at all the running I’ve done. And it’s a lot more than I’d care to admit. I ran from TN at eighteen to get away from the ordinary. I wanted to find something that gave myself meaning in the world. I ended up in NY. After four years of struggling in NY, I couldn’t handle the intensity of day to day living, so I ran from NY, back into Tennessee’s arms. While there, I married a man I thought would be my savior, a man I could relax with, thinking he would nourish and care for me. But that is a lot of responsibility for one person. Placing that much weight on another individual is bound to cause the relationship to crumble. The relationship brought me to Seattle.  When my marriage ended, I attempted to try the dating world again. I was quickly reminded how brutal the dating world can be.

Feeling an overwhelming sense of hurt and confusion, I tied the laces of my running shoes and jumped at the first opportunity to get the hell out of dodge. Now I am here, with nowhere to run. I am forced to reconcile every ounce of emotion I’ve pushed away over the years. This is no surprise to me. I expected this. So, I awake every morning dissecting the heaviness felt for clues on how to create a new beginning. This is painfully uncomfortable. But I am aware it is the only way I can mature. With change comes growth, and I’m nearly thirty. I think it’s about time.