It has been nearly two weeks of intense training.  The amount of exhaustion I felt and the work I put into training was more than expected.   I anticipated it to be physically tiring, but I didn’t expect it to feel emotionally and psychologically draining. The past two weeks challenged my confidence. I questioned many times if I was really cut out for this kind of job.

Now that training is over we will be sent to our schools to meet the staff, have two days of observation and then we start as full time teachers.  Honestly, I am not looking forward to the amount of work I will be doing the next few months adapting to the lesson preparations and fulfilling the role as an ESL teacher.  I feel it will take a few months to feel comfortable with everything expected from me. With adjusting to new staff, creating a sense of self in a strictly structured environment, and learning a new culture all at once, I’m curious what the next few months will bring.

The last two weeks were dorm style living with an amazing group of people I’ve gotten to know and become accustomed to.  Because we had to rely on each other to get through training, I’ve developed friendships with everyone and feel a bit attached to everyone. Now, I will be taken out of an environment that feels supportive and encouraging and transition to a new environment. I’m confident my new work environment will be just as supportive and eventually feel comfortable, but the thought of starting over again makes me feel anxious. This brings up feelings I’ve dealt with consistently over the past two years.

I’ve transitioned through different living situations, jobs, friendships and relationships.  Thinking about this, I am reminded how resilient I’ve been with so much change, but the anxiety is still strong enough to keep me from getting use to so much change. Through each transition, I always wish I could find some sort of stability. The reality is, life is never stable. It is constantly evolving and teaching me whatever it is I need to know at that moment.  I’ve also realized life doesn’t happen the way you want it to, but the way it needs to happen.  I can either fight it or adopt the change. Resisting change has only made me more frustrated. I am learning how to welcome changes and learn from my experiences in attempt move forward with optimism. This will always be a life long process, but I’m hoping to keep this in mind through the challenges I will face in Japan and after.

At the moment it feels like I am at the base of a large mountain with my backpack full of snacks and gear. Looking at the mountaintop from where I stand feels overwhelming and impossible, but knowing others have successfully done what I am about to do gives me a little comfort. I just have to take a deep breath and walk forward one step at a time. 

Today I visited Shinjuku. I could never have made it without my friend there to help translate everything. I am completely overwhelmed not knowing the language. Whoever said you could go to Japan and get by without knowing the language, has never visited the country. The train system is beyond me. Yes, I love how efficient and clean it is, but not knowing what train to take, what direction to take it and what time it arrives makes a simple trip feel overwhelming and exhausting.

Shinjuku reminded me how different Japanese fashion is from European or American fashion. Men resembled women. The women looked like dolls. Hair was literally designed to look like waterfalls. Clothes were bright, and hairspray was definitely ‘the in thing.’ One department store had and entire floor dedicated to hairdryers. Have we stepped back into the ‘80’s? Dear god I hope not! It was pretty interesting just people watching. This fashion is something I will likely never get use to.

I didn’t get a chance to stay more than a few hours because we were all very tired from our karaoke escapade the night before, but before leaving Shinjuku, I enjoyed 5 minutes of watching a baseball game in HD and in 3D. Japan and it’s technology. Very enjoyable.

Saturday night and we were all anxious to go out. Knowing we had Sunday off, our energy returned after feeling exhausted from days of training. I didn’t realize I had a second wind in me. I wanted to leave the training center even if it was to walk down the street, turn around and walk back. All the girls dressed up, freshened our makeup and prepped for a night in Omiya.

First stop was dinner. Then we found a Karaoke bar. Karaoke in Japan is much different than Karaoke in the states. Here, you rent a room for a couple hours for around $30/person and get unlimited drinks and an assortment of mini snacks including pocky, popcorn, chocolate pieces, some sort of sausage links, chips and peanuts. There were 11 of us so we piled into our private room and sang our hearts out to old school metal, high school hip hop, Britney Spears, Lady Gaga, and for those who could speak Japanese, some J-pop (Japanese pop). I’m pretty sure we overwhelmed our server because we consumed enough alcohol to put the place out of business.  She barely had a minute to rest with our constant request for more alcohol.

After enjoying 2 hours of singing our hearts out, feeling we needed even more alcohol, we stumbled around town looking for another place to hang out. During our quest, the token blonde girl of our group gained the attention from some Japanese boys on the street. Not even kidding, he was wearing a shirt stating, “I love Blondes.” They eagerly wanted to entertain us for the evening, so they brought us to a bar that had unlimited drinks for an hour and a half. I don’t understand the concept of bottomless alcohol here. It doesn’t seem to be easy to order just one drink. It seems you order bottomless drinks or you just don’t drink. It made me wonder if that was just an ‘upsell’ technique geared toward foreigners in attempt at making a profit. At this point, we were all way past our prime and should have gone home 2 hours ago. But we were all wanting to be anywhere but the training center.

After enjoying too much sake, I desperately had to go to the bathroom. The bathrooms in Japan are always a treat. You never know what interesting set-up you will find. This one had a bidet. I was very curious to try it, hearing many good things about it. So I started pushing buttons. Bingo! The cleansing ceremony began, except I not only washed the needed areas, but the power behind the stream was so strong it sprayed my butt, legs and shot up between my legs and saturated the front of my shirt. “Great…how do I explain this?” I thought. Maybe no one will notice?

When I joined the table, the Japanese boys immediately turned, pointed and laughed. They were talking in Japanese, so I had no idea what they were saying, but it was obvious it was about my wet t-shirt contest. Did they really know what happened? So I just laughed along with and re-enacted what happened in attempt to make fun of myself.  

They must have gotten a kick out of it, because I kept hearing ‘kawaii’, Japanese for ‘cute.’ I guess I’ll take it as a compliment, being I’m not blonde anymore. 

The morning of my training, day 3, and already I had a meltdown. I was studying my materials and listening to my Ipod when a song played that reminded me of when life use to feel  comfortable and happy. Suddenly, all the growing pains I felt this past year surfaced so quickly, I couldn’t control myself. I broke down into tears. Having to be quiet as to not wake my roommate, I sat in the bathroom and covered my mouth so I could cry quietly.  I could only allow myself a short cry, because I heard my roommate starting to wake up.  I didn’t want to have to explain to her why I was suddenly a wreck. So I sucked it up and started to get ready for the day. Then it occurred to me…I need to start running daily, no matter how hot, humid and miserable it is outside.

My entries are a few days behind. I finally found a nook to pick up internet on my computer. It has also taken me a while to figure out my blog because every link was written in Japanese. It was trial an error to figure out how to post a new blog! Hope you can enjoy, even if it is about a week behind. 

I`m in Japan. Wow. I can`t believe it. I am completely clueless about everything! When getting off the plane, I took my time to adjust and absorb my surroundings. Before entering baggage claim, I stood in line to show my passport, give the government my fingerprints and have my picture taken for their computer system. After that, I waited for my bags for at least 30 minutes before realizing they were sitting right in front of me, unclaimed. Not being used to such efficiency, I felt like an idiot for not realizing this earlier!

 

I then, met with the company's representative who told me I was in for a treat. There is a celebrity somewhere in the airport. He had no idea who it was, but I was to be prepared cause the paparazzi were gathering where we were heading. I expected to see hundreds of paps, like you see on TMZ, but there were only about 15 with some locals armed and ready with their digital cameras. As soon as I pushed my ginormous luggage around the corner, there she was, Julia Roberts, just as beautiful in person as she is on screen. I was thrilled to be only about 20ft. from her. And yes, she is very tiny in person. "Welcome to Japan!" I said to the representative. 

 

I met with the other teachers who were waiting patiently in the airport's lobby. They flew from various places, a few from different parts of the states, Canada, Australia, Tanzania, England and Ireland. One thing we all had in common is we never ran out of conversation! Despite the jet lag, we were all bubbly, outgoing, and excited about the adventures ahead. "I am in the right place," I smiled to myself.

 

Training started the next day in Omiya. I had difficulty sleeping, tossing and turning from nightmares. My body is not adjusting well. I was worried the trainers would notice my glazed over eyes and puffiness that comes from serious jet lag. We talked about how exciting it is to be in a new country, but we were also warned there may be a dip around the 3 month mark where everything feels frustrating and lonely. At this point, we are to focus on goals. So my first goal is to continue to see every experience as an adventure. 

 

Since our first day of training was a half day, I was able to go out with the group and explore Omiya. There are a few random things I noticed so far. Because this is only observations in one city in all of Japan, I don't want to generalize Japan by these few things. So here are a few of my observations in Omiya, so far. 

-Young Japanese women LOVE blush! 

-No one jay walks. They all wait patiently for the "walk" symbol to appear before crossing.

-There is NO tipping in restaurants. This is so hard for me, having always been a server. And the one place we did tip, the waitress ran outside and gave the extra money back, apologizing for `distracting` us from our current conversation. 

-Japanese are so HUMBLE! Americans could learn a lesson or two about humility from the Japanese.

-I don`t think all internet cafes are like this, but the one I am currently in is a private cubicle, equipped with a TV and headphones...it seems this is a place not just for emailing, but other `pleasures.' Because the staff disinfects the chairs after one uses the cubicles, It makes me wonder if internet porn is less prevalent in the home.

 

I have so much to learn! As I wait for my Rosetta Stone Japanese to come in the mail, I have to be patient with myself. This is hard. I can`t read or speak a thing. I am one day into my new adventures. I feel like I am on sensory overload, but the one thing I know for sure is this is exactly what I need right now in my life. I already miss the little things like Trader Joes, my local coffee shop, Seattle weather (cool with no humidity). Japan is so uncomfortably warm and humid! I miss my friends. I miss coming home to my friend/roommate to chat about the day. I miss my daily runs through Ballard. I miss a lot for only having been here a day and a half. I also realize this is normal and nothing can replace the experiences I have each day in a foreign country. For this reason alone, I can set aside the things I miss and truly enjoy my adventures.

I’m a few days from my departure from Seattle. I have an enormous blend of emotions surfacing at random moments each day.  Some days, I walk through Ballard and remind myself how lucky I am to be surrounded by friends that encourage my steps toward a new beginning. Other days, I suddenly become overwhelmed with sadness and tears fall down my face like a monsoon. This tends to happen when I least expect it, like while I’m grocery shopping or going for a run. This is very embarrassing, to say the least! But in conversation with people about my leaving, the common question asked is, “Are you SO EXCITED?!” This is when I pause and ask myself if I should be authentic and honest with my answer or just tell them what they want to hear? Most of the time I tell them what they want to hear, so I say, “YES! I can’t wait!” But to those I know well, my answer is, ”No, I’m scared shitless!”

Right now, it feels there is no turning back. Even if someone came to me and said, “Here’s an out…All you have to do is say the word and Japan will no longer be an option,” I know I would decline the offer.  Even though I lose countless hours of sleep, stressing about my future, I still feel obligated to do this. I am a woman of my word. If I make a promise, I will do everything I can, within reason, to follow through on that promise. Eight months ago, when I decided to do this, I promised myself I would find a way to transform my life into something better. I know this is the start of my path toward self-transformation. This is a promise I cannot break.

Leaving Seattle also forces me to address my relationships. At the risk of being too vulnerable, my fears consist of me being easily forgotten and/or being disposable to others. Although these fears are irrational, it doesn’t take away the intensity of the fear that was instilled in me from infancy.  With technology, texting, and facebook, relationships tend to form and maintain based on convenience. The most difficult reality I face when leaving, is how distance will challenge all my relationships.  I am anxious to see what happens when I step away from the conveniences of simple communication.

I am two days from sitting on the plane that will take me to a life changing experience. My bags are nearly packed and I’ve been saying my good-byes with the uncertainty of my future. I am leaving friends that have created my identity in Seattle. Yes, I am scared shitless! But no matter what happens, I know I can trust the strength behind my fears and insecurities to help me through each day. That’s the beauty of strength. It just feels hidden. Inner strength is always present. Therefore, I can relax in knowing strength will never let me down.