11/17/10

I’m finding myself craving to be alone. What was once fear of being alone has now felt like security. I get up a few hours before work to spend time with myself and I eagerly come home after work to spend time to myself. At first, I had no idea what to do, being solo. Now, I feel like I’m in a commitment with myself. Many of the components one would put into a relationship are now directed toward the self; attention, nurture, communication and quality time. It truly feels that I am my own companion. Although this feels incredibly empowering, there are some aspects of myself I’ve needed to address.

A few nights ago, I attended and all night Birthday bash at a well-known club in Tokyo.  I was dancing around, spinning to the beats of the techno music, when suddenly I felt a bit claustrophobic. Part of it was the effects of too much alcohol, but the other part of me was overwhelmed with the crowd. I left the dance floor to explore the club. Essentially, I was looking for a hiding space to relax. I found a room a few floors below that wasn’t as crowded as the other dance rooms. I decided just to observe the twenty-something year olds and their mating game.  Japan is pretty G-rated when it comes to clubs. Public display of affection is rare; so many couples just hold hands. I’ve never seen ‘dirty’ dancing at clubs either. Kissing is usually done discreetly in corners and with minimal animalistic passion. The sex game seems to consist of a guy and a girl holding hands and smiling at each other from two feet away while awkwardly dancing off beat. Compared to the States, the club scene feels very wholesome.

As I stood back and watched the clumsy drunks wave at their prospects from across the room, a New Zealander walked up to me and introduced himself. I can’t remember his name and honestly I didn’t care enough to even remember what he looked like. His pickup line? “Why do you look so angry?” Before he could follow with, “…and let me show you how I can make you smile,” which I assumed would be the natural progression of the uninvited conversation, I turned to him and said, “What do you mean?” Making my best bitch face. He quickly tried to change the conversation, but at this point I wasn’t listening. I was introspectively trying to figure out if I felt angry or not. It may sound strange to ask myself what I am feeling, but I’ve felt slightly disconnected with my emotions lately. This occasionally happens when I clutter my life with too much work, which has been the case recently.

As he was talking about god knows what, It began to dawn on me that I had separated myself from my group of friends to observe other people’s relationships. It seems I have become slightly obsessed in understanding a culture I am not part of. When speaking of culture, I’m not referencing Japanese culture, I’m referencing the culture of sexual attraction. The last few months, I’ve questioned whether I’m built for relationships. It feels like there is a specific piece of the relationship puzzle missing from my life. It’s not that I’m incapable of finding someone, It feels like I am incapable of being involved with someone in a loving relationship. And yes, at times, this does make me angry. The missing component has begun to feel like a disability in my life. It occasionally resembles the feeling that I am sitting with a group of people and everyone is laughing at a joke except me because I’m unknowingly the brunt of the joke.

In analyzing myself, it is not my intention to throw a self-pity party. It is actually quite opposite. It is a desperate attempt at understanding why I am the way I am. I vary from two extremes in a relationship with a man. I hold onto him so tightly that the slightest sign of disinterest throws me into a state of panic in which I become overwhelmed by the feelings stabbing rejection, or I keep him at such a guarded distance that I can’t allow myself to enjoy a relationship with him. This then evolves into me pushing him away with destructive force. These are the parts of myself I want to understand. As painful as the process is, I truly want to address and acknowledge these weaknesses in me because it has held me back from fully embracing the joys of relationships in life. Every relationship I’ve ever been in has had some level of turmoil. I am exhausted by the turmoil.

So the question I ask that so many others ask themselves is, “How can I understand the foreign language of relationships?” And maybe there is no answer, but I would like to stay hopeful and optimistic during my life as a single woman. Because truthfully, I am enjoying my life alone and don’t feel ready to be in a relationship yet. But I also want to address all the questions I have for myself in hope to better understand my life with or without another person.