I’m a few days from my departure from Seattle. I have an enormous blend of emotions surfacing at random moments each day.  Some days, I walk through Ballard and remind myself how lucky I am to be surrounded by friends that encourage my steps toward a new beginning. Other days, I suddenly become overwhelmed with sadness and tears fall down my face like a monsoon. This tends to happen when I least expect it, like while I’m grocery shopping or going for a run. This is very embarrassing, to say the least! But in conversation with people about my leaving, the common question asked is, “Are you SO EXCITED?!” This is when I pause and ask myself if I should be authentic and honest with my answer or just tell them what they want to hear? Most of the time I tell them what they want to hear, so I say, “YES! I can’t wait!” But to those I know well, my answer is, ”No, I’m scared shitless!”

Right now, it feels there is no turning back. Even if someone came to me and said, “Here’s an out…All you have to do is say the word and Japan will no longer be an option,” I know I would decline the offer.  Even though I lose countless hours of sleep, stressing about my future, I still feel obligated to do this. I am a woman of my word. If I make a promise, I will do everything I can, within reason, to follow through on that promise. Eight months ago, when I decided to do this, I promised myself I would find a way to transform my life into something better. I know this is the start of my path toward self-transformation. This is a promise I cannot break.

Leaving Seattle also forces me to address my relationships. At the risk of being too vulnerable, my fears consist of me being easily forgotten and/or being disposable to others. Although these fears are irrational, it doesn’t take away the intensity of the fear that was instilled in me from infancy.  With technology, texting, and facebook, relationships tend to form and maintain based on convenience. The most difficult reality I face when leaving, is how distance will challenge all my relationships.  I am anxious to see what happens when I step away from the conveniences of simple communication.

I am two days from sitting on the plane that will take me to a life changing experience. My bags are nearly packed and I’ve been saying my good-byes with the uncertainty of my future. I am leaving friends that have created my identity in Seattle. Yes, I am scared shitless! But no matter what happens, I know I can trust the strength behind my fears and insecurities to help me through each day. That’s the beauty of strength. It just feels hidden. Inner strength is always present. Therefore, I can relax in knowing strength will never let me down.